Lovable

An office staff just had his despedida today. So some of us who are his close friends gathered to give him a little tribute. Since all of us spoke funny and good things about him (I talked for 20 minutes and bashed him most of the time) when it was his time to deliver his speech, he also spoke on what he would miss about each one of us.

He talked about me, second to the last — he reserved his last speech for the girl who’s got a crush on him, and from our assessment, he also crushes on. But his speech for me was the longest. I don’t know if that’s because I also teased him the longest. Well, I did not know that it was supposed to be just a ten-second well-wishing because I just came and was immediately given the stage. As Christopher Lao once said, “I wasn’t informed.”

His speech was all praises about me: on how he thinks I’m one of the best officials in that place because I’m cool, approachable and intelligent, and how he felt so close to me. I actually stopped him twice saying that it wasn’t me who’s leaving. But he just went on telling everyone all the good things about me and that he could talk to me about anything under the sun: from philosophies to politics to trivial matters. I wasn’t able to react when he said that he thinks he loves me. In tagalog he said, “ewan ko, mahal ko na nga yata si mam.” Then one of us said,  “o sige pakasal na kayo.” To which, he jokingly said, “sige na mam, let’s get married.” For a moment it was awkward.

Weird. Well, I have always treated him as a younger brother. If he was directly under me, he could have been my protege. Since we bonded with a circle of unlikely friends, I also think I feel love for him. But no malice there. I love all of them equally and I also feel they love me back. But it’s out of the line to tell me you love me when you are not paying tribute to me. I think it was uncalled for.

So, I let it pass. He probably just felt overwhelmed that he did not know what he was saying. But when we had coffee later with our group of friends, i told the girl who’s got a crush on him if it’s okay with her to sit next to me because I smoke. And she said, “oh yeah, he should sit next to you because he likes you so much he’ll miss you.” And I thought I heard jealousy in her tone.

It’s crazy. Because I’m older than many of them and I’m already married with four kids, these things never came to my mind until now. Could it be that one of these guys actually dreamed of hitting it on with me despite my circumstances? I’m not even sexy and gorgeous. I know I’m beautiful in some aspects, but definitely not gorgeous. In fact when I was young I saw myself as an ugly duckling. In my adolescence, I had always been treated as one of the boys.

As I was driving home, I kept thinking about it and the only way I could explain it was because of my position. Where I work, I am one of the top officials and I know that many people have come to like me because I manage people in an unconventional way and I deliver what is expected from me. I have always been grounded while others in my league were treated as gods and goddesses, I always make the people around me feel that I am one of them. Not to mention that I really think that such discrimination is stupid and counterproductive.

I know that people who became my friends are proud that I am their friend. But we always seem to know where to draw the line. When it’s about work, I am the boss and they deal with me with respect. When it’s time for having fun, I strip down the walls dividing us so we can have pure fun. People flatter me, but it’s fine because it’s part of the  goddess-commoner roles we play. But I never thought that some would like me a lot that they would actually lust over me. Who would dare? It’s not like I look down on them. I just dismiss such thoughts because I never really gave anyone such motivation and I don’t need anything that would make my life more complicated than it is now. And I am no longer in the position to entertain such ideas in the first place. I am married with four kids.

When I come to think of it, I’d say it probably comes with the position. As I said in the earlier post, “with great power comes great responsibility.” I did not know that preventing anyone from desiring me in such a way is one of these responsibilities. Of course, I love to be loved. It’s human instinct. If you’re not loved, you will have a difficult time to become an effective leader. People won’t be able to relate to you. But for goodness sake, I don’t want any illicit relationship! It’s okay for boys and girls to get close to me, but not too close. Especially the boys.

Now I know why my husband is paranoid most of the time. Everytime he’s suspicious, I ask him, “why, am I that gorgeous?” Now I know it’s not about being physically overly attractive. It’s about the position. Now I feel uncomfortable.

Funny, I also feel good about it. In fact, I’m happy today.